Hidden Blessings

Often I go through life struggling with one issue or another and I get completely wrapped up it that issue. I let it rule my life and define my self worth.  I rage against God for letting it happen. Then I blame myself for not being holy enough, assuming that it's some sort of punishment. These reactions are all futile. They only foster bitterness and more pain.

A few years ago, I experienced an especially painfully situation. My husband Josh had cancer and had to go through treatment. The treatment got rid of the cancer, but we found out later after trying for over a year to start a family, it also left him sterile. We were told we could never have children. I went through all the usual emotions and, for a while, fell into depression. I was facing the death of a lifelong dream. It felt like my life would never be complete.

When you have an experience like this you find out who your true friends are. And you discover amazing friendships in people you may have least expected. They are the people who can sit with you while you cry, listen while you vent and acknowledge your pain. They don't try to fix you and offer endless advice. They understand it may not be the best time to quote James 1:2, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds", because, trust me, "pure joy" is the last thing you are feeling at that moment. True friends forgive you when you shut down and can't hold up your end of the relationship. They are the ones who support you when you finally get up and begin to re plan your life.

Now, a few years down the road, I'm able to look back and see the hidden blessings. I see the old friendships that grew stronger and the new friends gained. My marriage is stronger for surviving the rough patches. I'm doing things now I never would have dreamed of if I hadn't been forced to rearrange my life goals. We became foster parents and have three beautiful foster children. I can't imagine a life where I never met these children. I don't know what the future holds or where they will be in the years to come, but I know my life is richer for having known them. I have learned invaluable lessons about love and the pain involved when you choose to love someone. I've also experienced the highs of love, and the joy of hearing a child call me "Mom".  Josh and I have learned how to be a husband and wife as well as a dad and mom.

There is still pain and there probably always will be unless we receive a miracle, but looking back I can honestly say I'm thankful for the things I've experienced. It's allowed me to know the joy and blessings I now possess.

I'm once again brought back to the words of Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Brain Cord Theory

Micah, was our neighbor for four years from the time he was four years old till he turned eight. His family lived on the other side of our little duplex and he was always around when Josh and I were outside working in the yard. His energy, constant questions and story telling would be entertaining and annoying in turn. One day I was weeding and he came over and asked if he could help. I said if he wanted to pull weeds out of my yard, then by all means, please help. He pulled a couple weeds and then sat down next to me and said, "When I was in my mom's tummy I could read her mind.". I smiled and asked him how he remembered being in his mom's tummy. "I don't know I just remember swimming in circles a lot." He just stared at me blankly while I laughed, so I composed myself and asked him how he could read his mom's mind. "Well," he said in a matter of fact voice, "I had this cord that came out of my belly button and went all the way up to my mom's brain. That's how I read her mind." I swallowed another laugh to say I wonder what she thought about. "Mostly she thought about me. She loves me." With that he got up and went back to his house.

Some days I wish I had a brain cord that connected to God and I could say with such confidence, "Mostly He thinks about me. He loves me."  The truth is that most of the time I find myself in a constant state of questioning, doubting, worrying and wondering what the hell is going on in the world and in my life. I live in such an anfractuous state of trying to be thankful and telling myself God loves people, but dealing with the endless injustice I see in the world. I feel tired.

This morning while I was weeding the garden, I thought about Micah's brain cord theory and smiled. My four-year-old foster son, Isaiah, saw me smile and came over, hugged my leg and said, "I love you Mama B".  At that moment I saw so much to be grateful for and I knew with confidence, God loves me.

The Thing About Love...

It's not easy. Love that is. It's terribly difficult actually, but it's the one thing that makes my life worth living. When I love and let myself be loved, there's the risk of experiencing a lot of pain and disappointment, I'm putting my happiness on the line. Yet I've learned that love holds the key to fulfillment and joy, even with all the hurt and unmet expectations. I've been learning for the last couple years that it's in the times of sorrow and conflict, when I really have to choose love over anger, that I've grown closer to being the person I want to be. The sorrow has made me more sensitive to other people's pain and to the fact that love is always better that advice.

The title of this blog comes from Kalil Gibran's book The Prophet. The chapter on love contains one of my favorite descriptions of love:
 
Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said: When love beckons you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.


The purpose of this blog is for me to write what I am passionate about. When I think about it I realize I'm passionate about helping others experience love. There are countless people who have never known love, only suffering. It just takes a moment of self reflection for me to see that too often I don't look past my own needs and acknowledge the fact that everyday holds the potential to show a bit of love to someone else.

As someone who believes in the teachings of Jesus, I want to make it a point to love unconditionally just as he did. Innumerable times have I heard the title of Christianity be used as reason to condemn when really it should be synonymous with love.

So this is what I'm learning and writing about, how to love. I'll continue to post ideas and stories as they come to me. They may not always be about love, but that is the general theme here. Thanks for reading.