Final 30th Year Challenge Update

Today is my 31st birthday. I've completed my 30th year challenge of not buying clothes for one year. It was difficult sometimes, but to be honest, it was a lot easier than I anticipated. Here are a few lessons learned:

Intentionality.  I know I mentioned this before, but it's the number one lesson I've learned this past year. I've become much more intentional with how I live. Not that I don't still enjoy being spontaneous once in a while, I do, but I mean intentional in a broad sense of living with a purpose. I base my consumption more on need, than on want. I make sure it will serve a purpose, sometimes that purpose is simply spending a fun day with my family (we all need to have fun now and then), other times it's strictly necessity.

Simplicity. I admit that in the past when I had spare time I would sometimes fill it by going shopping. It was a waste of time, truly. This last year, whenever I had spare time it was spent, writing, reading a good book, working in the garden, hiking, exercising or going to the beach with my family etc. All of these simple things brought me much more satisfaction than a new outfit ever did. 

Embracing Imperfection.  Since I couldn't replace damaged clothing, I learned to be okay with a little stain or hole in a few articles of clothing. I learned to not care so much. This attitude overflowed to other aspects of my life as well, like standing up for what I believe in, whether or not it's popular within my circle of community. We are all imperfect people with different life experiences and opinions and in the end I don't care how I look, as long as I can extend God's love to the people around me.  Embracing imperfection has helped me stop comparing myself to others and accept myself  the way I am. It's incredible the amount of freedom that comes when you don't care about trends or about making everyone and their mom like you.

 Here's a few of the things I did buy this last year:

• New sock and undies. 

• I bought myself a red beaded necklace for Easter, because I wanted a pop of color to celebrate the day.

•  A couple weeks ago I bought a new skirt in preparation for a wedding reception I'll be attending the day after my birthday. I won't wear it until then.

•  A new pair of sandals ($3 on sale!) because our kitten decided my old ones were a good chew toy.

•  Yesterday, I bought a new pair of shoes because all of my old pairs (except for my boots) are falling apart, literally.

So, that's it. In the last year I managed to only buy a few pieces of clothing and mainly out of necessity.

Now, it's another year and I've decided to give myself a new challenge. I think it's important to continue to learn as we age, I never want to become stagnant in life, so this year my challenge is to write everyday. I thought of the things I'm passionate about and where I want to improve and landed on writing. I enjoy it and hate it at the same time. I enjoy the result of writing, i.e. processing my emotions and having a record of things I've learned and experienced, but I sometimes hate the actual sitting and writing part. This challenge is about self-discipline and trying to be better at something.  I'm sure there will be days when I only pen a couple lines in my journal, but nonetheless, I'll be saving a thought or idea for when my creative juices are flowing.

Who Do You Think You Are?

The last few weeks have been stressful. I keep finding myself in situations I can't control and it makes me crazy. (I might be a tiny bit of a control freak.) It's not even big things, just a culmination of many little things.

Whenever life gets stressful, Doubt arrives, as if on cue, to remind me of all the times I've failed. It's the voice of Doubt that keeps asking, "Who do you think you are?"

Who do you think you are to be a mom? You don't have the patience.

Who do you think you are to be a wife? You're not enough for him.

Who do you think you are to be a youth leader at church? The kids won't even like you.

Who do you think you are to write about your life? Nobody cares what you have to say.

These thoughts followed me for days, hanging around in the corners of my mind like a cobweb just out of reach, growing and collecting dust. Doubt continued to whisper into each new frustrating situation, "You can't do this. Why are you even trying?"

Yesterday morning, Rosie and I decided to go to the river near our house to swim. Magda is away at camp, so I let Rosie pick the morning activity. She wanted a picnic at the river. We spent the morning swimming, snacking, picking blackberries, skipping rocks and laying on our towels reading. It was one of the most peaceful and relaxing mornings I've had in a long time. At one point, Rosie was in the water with her goggles trying to catch minnows and I was just sitting, taking in the sun and the beautiful landscape when I felt a different whisper, deep in my soul, "This is who you are. A mom who teaches her child to love nature."

Those words were a fresh wind, blowing through my heart and mind, clearing away the cobwebs. They poured over my soul like a wave, filling up the cracked and broken places. Over and over I felt God's soft voice.

Who do you think you are? You are my creation.

Who do you think you are? With me, you are enough.

Who do you think you are? You are mine.

Last night before bed, Josh was reading The Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen. He handed me the book and said, "You should read page 113".  This is what it said:

You are constantly facing choices. The question is whether you choose for God or for your own self-doubting self. You know what the right choice is, but your emotions, passions, and feelings keep suggesting you choose the self-rejecting way.

The root choice is to trust at all times that God is with you and will give you what you most need. Your self-rejecting emotions might say, “It isn’t going to work. I’m still suffering the same anguish I did six months ago. I will probably fallback into the old depressive patterns of acting and reacting. I haven’t really changed.” And on an on.
It is hard not to listen to these voices. Still, you know that these are not God’s voice. God says to you, “I love you, I am with you, I want to see you come closer to me and experience the joy and peace of my presence. I want to give you a new heart and a new spirit. I want you to speak with my mouth, see with my eyes, hear with my ears, touch with my hands. All that is mine is yours. Just trust me and let me be your God.”
This is the voice to listen to. And that listening requires a real choice, not just once in a while, but every moment of each day and night. It is you who decides what you think, say, and do….Choose for the truth of what you know. Do not let your still anxious emotions distract you. As you keep choosing God, your emotions will gradually give up their rebellion and be converted to the truth in you.

I hadn't told Josh about my experience at the river. I don't know why he thought I should read that page. But, God knew my heart. He is faithful to meet us where we are.